Never in my entire life I would do something that could potentially jeopardize my life. Not until I met you.
We met through a dating and hook up application. It was due to boredom and curiosity for me but for you, it’s because you were horny. It was not in my intention to find someone to love or hook up with. It was just an experiment.
You see, having experienced the “iniwan-sa-ere-zoned” a few times, I know how it feels. So this time around, I will be the one to try to build the hopes up of others to only drop it the time they confess to having feelings for me. But in a twist of fate, instead of being a perpetrator of the act, I became the victim.
You were the first one to message me as I was just browsing the application. You were the first one to actually give an interesting conversation. We talked a lot. You told me you feel comfortable with me and so did I. Curiosity took over you and you asked me to meet with you. As I was still nursing my hangover that rainy afternoon, I politely declined. After that, we still talked. And since it’s just an experiment, I deleted my account afterwards.
The very next day, I felt a loneliness inside of me. I missed you and our conversations. So I created another account with the same name and pictures and luckily, you found me again. We talked and asked each other what we were doing. We talked about our plans for the day if there were any. You told me where you live and in another twist of fate, I was hanging out that time near where you live. You asked me then if I want to meet with you since we were a few feet from one another. You were smoking then and asked if I wanted to join you. I declined again due to my low self-esteem. I know, I have issues. I don’t want to be rejected you see.
We talked more and more until I started to develop my feelings for you. Pinapakilig pa nga kita. Kinilig ka naman. So I thought we’re okay. You even asked me kung “pwede ba kitang mahalin?” and eventually told me na “gusto kitang mahalin.” I told you I was scared. You told me you were too. I told you I have trust issues because of past failures when it comes to relationships. Ayokong maiwan. Ayokong umasa.
Sabi mo pa nga “hindi ka ganun.” Hindi ka mang-iiwan kasi alam mo kung ano ang pakiramdam ng naiiwan. I told you I liked you even though hindi pa kita nakikita in person or kahit hindi ko pa rin naririnig ang boses mo. I told you if you were sure if you really want to love me and you said yes.
Days passed, we talked more. You asked for my phone number because in your own words you will delete the application for me. I hesitated at first because I’m still not ready. I told you I will be the one to text you and when I thought I was ready, I did. Bumili pa nga ako ng sim just for you.
The next day after my text message, you called me up. You greeted me with your sweet voice. You became my alarm clock for that day. I woke up happy that morning and that phone call set the tone for my day.
I got so used to your sweet messages that I missed them every time they don’t come. All those “good mornings,” “kumain ka na,” “mag-ingat ka lagi,” at “huwag magpupuyat” became part of what I look forward to everyday. In other words, I’ve developed some feelings of attraction towards you. You told me you did too because there’s something in me that you didn’t find in other users of that dating and hookup application.
Then it happened, you really wanted to meet with me. I told you I would but you should not set your expectations too high. I don’t look good I told you. You said you don’t care. I believed you. I told you I already have feelings for you and I fear rejection. You told me you won’t.
We met, talked, and had sex afterwards. We talked a lot before, during, and after sex. We cuddled. I told you how I felt for you. I told you how you were my first experience. I gave something away because I trusted you. And trust is something I don’t give wholeheartedly but for you, I did.
To be continued…