How much is your worth? Is your net worth $250 million just like Taylor Swift? Are you somebody worth fighting for? Are you someone Emily Thorne will exact revenge for because you and your legacy are that important to her?
Not just when it comes to love but when it comes to your family, work and friends, are you valuable enough that people would fight for you to stay? Will people miss you if one day you just decide to disappear from the face of the earth?
Sa akin kasi wala. Walang lumaban para magstay ako. Feeling ko wala ding makakaalala sa akin kapag bigla na lang akong mawala.
Ang pakiramdam ko ay hindi ako mahalaga.
Noong mga times na nagkaroon ako ng feelings for certain people and I told them, they suddenly change their ways towards me. Kahit pa sinabi nila na nothing will change, things did change. Ramdam ko yun kahit itanggi pa nila. I tell people how I feel not because I want that feeling to be reciprocated but because I just want them to know how important they are in my life. I want them to stay because their stay is something I welcome wholeheartedly. Hindi ko naman ipinipilit na suklian nila, gusto ko lang na nandyan sila kapag kailangan ko sila. Not the clingy kind of need but the chill one. Also not the “Netflix and chill” type of chill but the “I’m just here for you whenever you need someone to talk to or whatever” type of chill.
Then when I told my boss that I plan to quit my job, ano nga bang nakuha ko mula sa kanya? Isang lumalagabong na “ok”. Wow! My almost four years of work is just worth an ok. It was fine at first but as I keep thinking about it, it is really offensive. Ganun na lang yun? Isang ok? Yun lang ba yung value ko sa kanila.
Looking back, I did things beyond my capabilities for him and our department. Whenever someone is in need of cover, I did cover for their asses. I was reliable even when I feel like it’s not part of the job anymore. Alam kong may mga pagkukulang din ako and I acknowledge them. Hindi naman ako in – denial. May mga trabaho na dapat mas pinagbutihan ko. Alam ko yun. At kapag kaya ko, bumabawi naman ako sa ibang paraan.
Hindi ko naman hinihingi na bigyan ako ng award for my contributions to my work. Yung simpleng “thank you,” “good job,” or “nice work” lang from him ay sapat na. Pero ni minsan ay hindi ko yun narinig. Yung tanungin lang ba naman ako ng “bakit?” ay ok na rin sa akin. Yung alamin lang yung reason kung bakit gusto kong umalis ay sapat na para maramdaman ko na naging mahalaga din ako sa kanya at sa department na pinaglingkuran ko.
I have made a lot of decisions in my life. Some of those decisions involved fighting for people’s affection and attention. I don’t want to consider them as bad decisions. They’re cautionary tales I tell myself so that I won’t be repeating them. They’re the cautionary tales that remind me that sometimes, my kindness is not enough for people to stay in my life. And at the end of the day, some people are really not worth the fight.
I know someday, someone will come into my life with the appreciation that I desperately need. Someone will fight for me just like how I keep fighting for the wrong people to stay in my life.
And someday, I will have the courage to cut people off from my life. I’d find the strength to sever unhealthy relationships. I keep fighting for people but when it comes to me, they won’t because I’m already there when they need me. I’m there for them even when they don’t need me. Nakakapagod din kaya. Yung feeling na no one appreciates your worth except you.