Memoir Of A Fatalist

We are not intended to have an affair. Just an acquaintance I know you’d be.  You’re not supposed to share anything about you to me nor do I to you. But time pulled us together for that moment. A moment, it was.

Before we met, there is nothing. When you’re around, I can barely notice your presence. When I’m around, you don’t even know my existence. We walk on a different path; a path that I thought will never cross. We live both our lives apart.

At first, I hesitated to continue what I’m doing for I know what is better. I long for escape from my responsibilities. That’s why I chose you. With you, it’s easier with not much to do. This is not what better is, I guess.

But after our affair, there is something inside of me you have ignited that I cannot control anymore. A wildfire. Like an obsession, you had me crawling back for you. You had me wanting more.

Your eyes, your smile, and your hair. I can’t help thinking about them. Every detail that I can still remember, I long for them to stay. The way you run your fingers through my hair, those expressive eyes, and that beautiful smile, I want them to linger inside my head for much longer. I want you to visit me in one of my dreams. You and me, face to face again with nothing more to think about but ourselves. I want to feel you. I want to touch you. I want you.

You’re like the sweetest sin that keeps pulling me in. You’re always on my mind even though I don’t think of you. You made a home, a memory. Like a vinyl on a turntable, you spin, and spin, and spin. And I just lie there on the floor listening to the song you sing, repeating the words, and the melody to keep your harmonies some company.

I want to scream. Scream to the world the name that is driving me insane. The name that gives me sleepless nights. The name that got me doing things I never thought I’d do.

I don’t love you that I am sure of. Love is such a strong word for it. Maybe hate is the appropriate word to describe what I feel for you. Still a strong word I guess. I despise you for making me fall for you without catching me. I fell, for you. Maybe I did, I don’t know.

One moment. An obsession. A vivid memory I could never forget or wish to even remember. I’m still that ship anchored by that moment in the port of you.

And now, I wish I could just let that moment go. But I can’t. ‘Cause your memory is the only high that keeps me from drowning in the lows of not being with you.

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