Thaw

If you could meet me in person, and there is only one word that you could use to describe me, I know the word “cold” will easily cross your mind. And that’s fair. I am cold.

Growing up, I used to be warm. I used have a warm personality. I was inviting. I’ll make you feel at home. I’ll make sure there is no uncomfortable silence between us when we’re together. I’ll make you laugh until your stomach hurts. I’ll make sure you’re never bored when you’re with me. And then, I’m not warm anymore.

I can’t remember exactly when the shift in me happened but I’m pretty sure that puberty played a role in it. All of a sudden, I was shy. I was shy to make friends, to talk to people, to share my views on things, to start a conversation. I was shy. It’s like a wall suddenly got built around me to keep people from going in. It was weird. I became shy, then, cold.

I remember having a lot of friends when I was still in elementary. It’s the same thing during high school. I participated in a lot of school activities. I played sports with friends. I went to the mall with friends. I visited the beach, rode the trolleys, went to places, and watched movies with friends. It wasn’t hard for me to make friends back then. But now, I know something’s different in me. It’s normal to look back, and see yourself as a different version of yourself as you were before but to me, it’s just strange. It’s like I’m totally a different person.

As a young adult trying to make it in this fast paced world, being cold is a disadvantage. People expect everyone to have a pleasing personality. Everyone should make everyone okay, confortable even. And, I’m not that kind of person anymore.

I know I’m cold. I know my acquaintances felt that, and my close friends realized that already. I’m just not comfortable being around a lot of people anymore. I’m not going to talk to you unless you make the first move. I don’t even know how to keep a conversation because I don’t know how to respond properly with appropriate responses. Now, I can stand in a corner with no one talking to me, and still be okay with that. From the life of the party to a wallflower, that is how I turned into. But I’m not complaining. There’re a lot of perks of being an introvert.

Still, I’m very thankful that there are a lot of people who stood by me, and waited for the frozen pieces of me to thaw to see that I am not actually cold. Maybe at first I am but if you stick around long enough you’ll see that there is a weird and funny persona underneath. Maybe I just need to get comfortable around your presence before I start opening up. Maybe all I need is ample amount of time to evaluate whether you’re worth it to be trusted. There are a lot of maybes why I’m cold but one thing’s for sure, after the cold harsh winds of winter is the warm and bright sunshine of spring.

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