40 Days

40 days have passed since you’re gone. Days I can’t help but think of you. Days I can’t help but mull over the past 6 months that had passed between the last time I saw you, and the day you died. Days when I have to find the courage to accept that you’re gone. That you’re really gone for good.

Questions still lingered on my mind. They’re like ghosts. They keep haunting me. The hows and whys of your death I couldn’t hide away from. How it’s unfair that it’s you who’s gone. Why does it have to be you. Why was I kept in the dark about your situation. How it’s unfair you left without me knowing. Why didn’t I talk to you that day you liked my status on Facebook. How it’s unfair I didn’t get to say goodbye to you. How it’s unfair I didn’t get to say the things I should’ve said before. How I’m such a shitty friend. And more questions I could never find the answer to here on earth.

The only thing that I find solace to in your death is the fact that you’re not suffering anymore. You don’t get to feel the pain now. You’re free from it. And knowing that consoles my aching heart for you.

I can still hear that laugh of yours. I can still play it in my head whenever I think of you. Hearing it now is different though because now I can stop myself from filling my eyes with tears I’d surely shed unlike before. Saying your name now is not as potent as before too but it still gives me that sinking feeling it gives me before. My stomach feels hollowed still by the sound of those 5 letters strung together that form your name. Will I get over it? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.

Maybe it’s the guilt. Maybe it’s the regret. Maybe it’s because you’re someone who understood me, and you’re that someone I could never find again in this life again. Maybe it’s because you treated me like your own family. We’re not brothers but you made me feel like one. You’re the brother I never had. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t get over your death. Maybe it’s that simple. Just maybe.

I will always remember you the way I saw you for the last time. The very last time our paths crossed. You smiling at me on that perfect May afternoon when you saw me walking on my way to eat sisig in Site while you were turning your motorcycle to that road you always travel on to to get home. You responding to my ever careless and insensitive greeting “Buhay ka pa pala?” that you already know I would say because I always do. You riding that motorcycle of yours I got to ride a few times before. You giving me an update about your standing in school. You chuckling as you say your final goodbye to me. You being so happy to have seen me. Just you being so happy as you start the engine of your motorcycle. You in that perfect sunny afternoon in May being so happy.

And as you started to travel that road you always do, I glimpsed at you for the last time. You didn’t see me look at you but I smiled. Seeing your figure as it disappears from the distance, I was so happy deep down inside. I missed you.

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